Belonging Before Behaviour: When Students Feel Alone at School
Loneliness in schools is often misunderstood as a social problem or a behavioural issue. In reality, it is more accurately understood as a lack of felt belonging. A student can be surrounded by peers, actively participating in class, and still feel deeply alone if they do not feel seen, understood, or emotionally safe.
Psychological research increasingly recognises loneliness as a significant wellbeing concern rather than a personal shortcoming. When loneliness is framed as a behavioural problem to be corrected, students can internalise shame and withdraw further. When it is understood as a relational and systemic experience, it opens the door to compassion, prevention, and meaningful support.
For children and adolescents in particular, loneliness rarely presents in obvious ways. It may show up quietly through withdrawal, emotional dysregulation, disengagement from learning, or a growing sense of “not fitting in”.
Loneliness in School Communities
In school settings, loneliness often looks different from what we expect. Children and adolescents may not have the language to describe feeling lonely, especially if they are academically capable or socially present. Instead, loneliness may appear as behavioural challenges, perfectionism, avoidance, or emotional shutdown.
For neurodivergent students, including those with ADHD, loneliness can be compounded by repeated experiences of misunderstanding or misattunement. Even supportive environments can unintentionally reinforce a sense of difference when systems prioritise compliance and productivity over regulation and relationship.
A strong sense of belonging — feeling safe, accepted, and valued — plays a critical role in both learning and wellbeing. When students feel emotionally safe with at least one trusted adult, they are better able to regulate, engage, and take learning risks. Conversely, ongoing loneliness can quietly erode confidence, motivation, and emotional wellbeing.
Why Relational Approaches Matter
Humans regulate through connection. Emotional regulation develops and stabilises within relationships, particularly during childhood and adolescence. When connection feels unsafe or inconsistent, the nervous system remains in a heightened state of alert.
Relational approaches — such as co-regulation, consistency, and attuned adult support — help create the conditions where students can feel settled enough to learn. Often, small and repeated moments of connection matter more than large-scale interventions.
This invites schools and wellbeing services to reflect on important questions:
Are students supported to feel calm before they are expected to perform?
Are differences in regulation and communication understood rather than managed?
Do students feel known, not just monitored?
Moving Forward with Care
Loneliness is not a weakness. It is a signal — one that points to unmet needs for connection, belonging, and emotional safety.
Addressing loneliness does not require complex programs. Often, it begins with noticing, slowing down, and creating space for relationships to develop. When schools and wellbeing services prioritise connection alongside achievement, they help students feel less alone — and more able to thrive.
Research Context
This reflection is informed by research that understands loneliness as a relational and developmental experience rather than a personal deficit. Key influences include work on loneliness across the lifespan, evidence linking loneliness and social isolation to mental health outcomes in children and adolescents, and research highlighting school belonging as a critical protective factor for wellbeing and learning. Together, this research reinforces the importance of relational safety, connection, and belonging within educational and wellbeing settings.
Further Reading
Qualter, P., Vanhalst, J., Harris, R., Van Roekel, E., Lodder, G., Bangee, M., … Verhagen, M. (2015).
Loneliness across the life span. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 250–264.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691615568999
Loades, M. E., Chatburn, E., Higson-Sweeney, N., Reynolds, S., Shafran, R., Brigden, A., … Crawley, E. (2020).
Rapid systematic review: The impact of social isolation and loneliness on the mental health of children and adolescents in the context of COVID-19. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 59(11), 1218–1239.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2020.05.009
Allen, K.-A., Kern, M. L., Vella-Brodrick, D., Hattie, J., & Waters, L. (2018).
What schools need to know about fostering school belonging: A meta-analysis. Educational Psychology Review, 30(1), 1–34.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10648-016-9389-8
Ethical Note
This article is intended for general information and reflective purposes only. It does not replace individual psychological assessment or intervention. Schools and practitioners are encouraged to consider student needs, ethical guidelines, and appropriate professional support when addressing wellbeing concerns.
